Bad Decision
by sockospice
Summary: What is going through Lita's head now that she's married to Kane?


Title: Bad Decision  
Rating: PG for language  
Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters mentioned herein, make no implications about them, and do not profit in any way from this.  
Distribution: Hardyzfanfic, my Livejournal, and , anywhere else please ask first.  
Summary: From Lita's point of view, what is really going through her head throughout this whole Kane business.  
Author's note: I wrote non-slash! For the first time in about 5 years! Anyway, this came about due to some fics that I read that dealt with (or failed to deal with) how Lita might feel throughout the whole storyline.

No one believed me when I first said it. I'm supposed to be the sensible one, you know, the one that people come to with their problems. The sensible one. That's a laugh.

I'm so sensible I got pregnant with another man's baby. I'm so sensible I thought that sleeping with a monster would save my relationship, save the man I loved. I'm so sensible I never thought to be on the pill, just in case. I'm so sensible I agreed to unprotected sex when he said it was the only way.

How stupid was I? It was his idea, he said, just one time, and then he'd leave us alone. I should have known that he was lying. I should have known that the monster wouldn't let it go.

But then, I don't know. Maybe if I wasn't carrying his baby he would have left it. Would have got bored with me and gone on to someone else. You know, thinking about it, I reckon he would have got bored, would have gone on to someone else. When he thinks I'm not looking, he stares at Trish. God, if only he could tire of me, and have her. But I know for now he won't. We're married and I'm stuck with him.

That wedding. One of the worst days of my life. I meant every word of what I said; I really hope that Kane rots in hell. He fully intends to make my life a living hell until the day the baby is born, and the feeling is mutual. If I can cause him to lose every match, cause him to suffer pain, then I will. I'm not entirely sure that he can suffer any physical pain, but if I can cause him mental pain, I will.

See, he doesn't realise it, but every thing he does to me, every time he lays a hand on me, I'm writing it down, making notes of what he did and who was there, witnesses and everything. As soon as the baby is born I'm taking it all to a solicitor and getting a divorce. And I swear to god, he is never, ever going to have access to our child. He's been violent towards me, there's a good chance he'd be violent towards our child. The baby is his reason for me being here. He wants to create an image, a reflection of himself. Wants to bring up our child to hate the world as he does. To be as bitter and twisted as he is. He doesn't really want me any more; it's our child he wants.

Our child. The innocent one in all of this. The only innocent. People might say that Matt is innocent, but he isn't. He lost that match... it's his fault I had to marry that bastard in the first place. He tried to stop the wedding, and he couldn't even do that. I don't blame him, but then again I do. I love him so much, and I know he still loves me, and it's just such a horrible situation. We've both done stupid things.

I still love my baby though. Conceived in hate, my child will be brought up with love. I will not inflict Kane's horrible, warped and twisted mind on my child. I will love and adore my child and protect it from ever being hurt, or harmed in any way. My child will not have to make the same horrible decisions I had to make.

I haven't spoken to Matt since the wedding. Stacy said that he's physically ok now, but his head is in a bad place. She says that he's not ready to speak to me yet, and I'm not really ready to speak to him. I miss him. I want him here with me. I just want him to hold me, just so that I can pretend that everything is ok, just for a little while.

Assuming that I get a divorce after the baby is born, I may be alone, or I may have Matt. I know he said he'd support me no matter who was the father, I'm not sure that he'll be able to handle the reality. Having to face the consequences of my bad decision every single day would be hard for anyone, and for someone as emotional as Matt it may be too much. I fully realise I may end up alone. Matt knows how much I love this child, and I think that he's aware that if it came down to a choice between him and my child, my child would win every time.

So, I'm not the sensible one anymore. I'm the 'pretty damn stupid' one, I'm the slut, I'm the whore. I'm also the strong one. I will not be beaten by this. No matter how much Kane scares me, no matter how much he hurts me, he will not destroy me.


End file.
